My mom would give me quite a few lectures. She would tell me how important is to say how I feel. I tried. Fumbled over my words. Couldn’t get my thoughts together. She told me communication is important in any relationship, but especially a marriage relationship. I was in middle school. I assumed I would get better at this as I got older.
Months ago, I had a conversation with my sister. I’m not sure how we ended up on this subject, but she asked me to consider the fact that I may be single for the rest of my life. At first, I got upset. The conversation ended there, I didn’t give her an answer or any thoughts. I just felt angry. Not at her, but at the thought itself.
Finally, as 2016 approached, I knew I had to look in the mirror and ask myself, How would I feel? Sadness turned to anger so quickly, I knew I needed an outlet for these emotions. I setup the studio lights. Captured a few shots until something caught my eye. Then, I left the images alone. I didn’t want to face them. I didn’t want to answer the question. I didn’t even want to consider the possibility.
Until a few days ago. I don’t know. Life. Things not turning out as planned. I felt my heart give in. I felt my surrender. I hated it. But it was necessary. So, I revisited the December 2015 images and put the finishing touches on them. The scene above stood out for this subject. The answer to the question: What if I’m going to be a single guy for my lifetime?
I asked myself. Imagined me standing in front of God’s throne. Is this it? Is this my sentence? If it is…
I can’t talk to You right now.
Then, I walked away. I don’t yell or scream or throw tantrums much. When I’m overwhelmed, I shut down and shut out everyone, including God. By now, He knows this. He knows me well enough to see it coming.
When I was in my early twenties, I made myself a promise. I’d never make God a promise! But I asked Him to help me keep this promise I made to myself. I was having a good day, but I knew everyday wouldn’t be good. I wanted to honor my future wife by remaining a virgin until marriage. It seemed like the most romantic thing I could do, not only for her, but it would be best for me. On my bad days, the days I wanted to break my promise, I asked God to stop me. I asked Him to keep me from breaking this promise. He’s done a better job than I imagined.
As my 38th birthday approaches, the promise hasn’t been broken. But the rest of me feels broken. I’ve heard all of the jokes. I’ve seen other guys live a different type of lifestyle. And I’ve seen others simply live life and find that person, nothing wrong there. But I feel forgotten in a way, though I know He hasn’t forgotten me.
Ultimately, I have not been ready for such a serious, life-long commitment because of the various mistakes I’ve made along the way. I’ve been resigned to put my time into my work, which ebbs and flows. Success hasn’t come over night. I’m forced to be patient as the sand falls through the hour glass. There’s nothing I can do. Trying to force something that needs to happen naturally is never a good idea.
Now that Forever Alone? is done, I’ve thought about long-term goals. What would I do with my life? Well, I still love art & writing, which can be done anywhere. The typical. Travel. Build memories that way. Capture amazing scenes with my camera. Write. Funny stories. Drama. Suspense, with my trusty laptop. Continue to build up the brand and I’m definitely on the right track with that.
It all seems empty, though!
Truth is, the thought of having a family motivates me the most. More than wanting to travel. More than wanting a nice house or cars or spiffy outfits. Being able to come home and instead of hearing the hum of a refrigerator, there’s smiles and laughter. When the really awesome moments happen, someone’s there to share them with. The wife, the children I don’t have… they push me everyday is succeed. They have for years. And I feel empty without them.
If I say they’ll never be, what can motivate me more than them? I haven’t found anything yet to replace them. Which is why the expression in the scene is… the way it is. And please, please, please, do not give me the religious answer of saying all we need is God and we’ll be fine. Yes, I’m sure you’ve heard it before: “Jesus is all I need.”
Don’t get me started.
My hope, my faith has been able to keep my future family in existence up to this point. But now, perhaps for the first time, I can feel my heart running low on energy. After a while, faith has to be rewarded with reality. If it’s not, the dream simply becomes a fantasy.
I can’t carry this anymore. It’s become too much. Too heavy. I am handing something so precious to me to God because… I just can’t anymore. I wish I could. Can I trust Him with this? My hope? My dream of them? My mind knows it’s safe with Him, my heart struggles to let go. But worrying about something doesn’t solve a problem. I can’t focus like this. I have to let them go. 😦
I’m not gonna die. I’ll be fine. I just thought… I expected more. More out of myself. More out of my life. Sharing it with them. Well, if this is it, I can still help others through my work. Right? Or am I that selfish to only think of myself?